Take me down to P̶a̶r̶a̶d̶i̶s̶e̶ Stoke City

HAPPY NEW SEASON! A time for unbridled, baseless optimism, and for bitching about what colour the cuffs should be on the new home kit.

Hope you’ve all had a lovely summer. It probably would have been a lot more lovely if Tuchel hadn’t completely surrendered our midfield to Argentina in the semi-final, but hey ho. At least our ever-lovable South American friends finally got what was coming to them in the final. Felicitaciones, Espana. It was a very enjoyable World Cup, despite its custodians’ best efforts. Fuck FIFA and fuck Infantino, the corrupt lickspittle little cunt. (There goes my Peace Prize.)

There have been many comings and goings at Boundary Park, as was expected, and three more of our Wembley heroes have moved on. I guess the writing was on the wall for Kian Harratt a while ago, and I sincerely hope that his move to Worksop Town is a success and that he goes on to fulfil his potential. Thank you for one of the most important goals in our history and one of the best moments of our lives.

He gave us goals, and promotion came. Fare thee well, Joe Garner, you magnificent shithouse. You will almost certainly always be my favourite ex-Rangers player.

Reagan Ogle has returned to Scunthorpe, and we should never forget that it was his long throw that led to the penalty for our equaliser at Wembley. What an icon.

📸 Pete Crawshaw

Here’s hoping that Tom Conlon and Jake Caprice have better luck with injuries in the future than they did with us; sadly, I hear Conlon is already ruled out for a few weeks at Tranmere, and Caprice is still looking for a club. I was a little bit surprised at Jake Leake’s move to Colchester, and Tom Donaghy’s loan move to Radcliffe; I was equally surprised to learn that Billy Waters was still on our books until his recent move to Chester. Best of luck to all of them.

All of which freed up space for new players, so let’s have a look at our (hopefully) future heroes.

Gus Scott-Morriss: played a part in both of Southend’s goals at Wembley. Unlucky, lad. Looks Australian. Is actually from St Albans. One of his middle names is Roy. Is apparently definitely a right wing back and not a right back. We’ll see.

Keenan Appiah-Forson: I remember being really surprised when Southend subbed him at Wembley, I thought he was having a great game. Busy little fucker (and he really is little, bless ‘im). Only 24. Very exciting signing.

Ollie Norburn: 33-year-old midfield general, helped Notts County to promotion. His head fell off at Boundary Park last season, 2 weeks after throwing Dobra’s boot off the pitch v Chesterfield and getting a red card. So there’s an away fixture to look forward to.

Noah Chilvers: attacking midfielder on a two-year deal from Ross County. Won Player of the Year and Young Player of the Year at Colchester in 2021. Scored a belter of a free kick v Sheffield Wednesday last Saturday.

Ryan Delaney: centre-half, helped Newport stay up last season while on loan from Swindon. Won the League of Ireland First Division with Wexford in 2015. You’ll never sing that.

Aston Wilson: 19-year-old goalkeeper on a one-year deal. Came through Barnsley’s academy. Can only assume his parents are Villa fans.

Elliott Nevitt: 29-year-old striker. Was on loan at Cambridge last season. Played under Mellon at Tranmere. The new Norwood? No pressure, son.

Zain Tahir: 19-year-old on a season long loan from Sheffield United. Can play at centre half or left back. The Sheffield Wednesday fans can’t have enjoyed his goal-line clearance in front of the Chaddy End.

Favour Fawunmi: his name is NOT that hard to pronounce, we all need to try harder. 20-year-old attacking midfielder on a season long loan from Stoke (so presumably won’t play today). Came through the West Ham academy, like Appiah-Forson. Looks good on set pieces.

Tom Hill: 23-year-old midfielder from Harrogate. Captained Liverpool under 21s. Has had a bit of a nightmare with injuries. Lovely finish for his goal last week, didn’t look shy of putting a tackle in.

Kai Payne: back for another season long loan. He was superb v Notts County. In Mellon we trust.

Lewis Temple: 21-year-old centre half on loan for the season from Bolton. Was a world champion kickboxer at the age of 12. It’s a crying shame he didn’t get to play with Harratt.

The crew is ready. HMS Piss the League is ready to set sail.

Back on the rollercoaster, and we kick off with our first League Cup proper tie since 2021, and a trip to Stoke, whose most famous son (no, not Robbie Williams) soundtracked the BBC’s superb World Cup montage. Who knows what the next 9 months will bring, or even the next 9 hours. It’s great to be back though, isn’t it? In Mellon we trust. KTMFF.

Written by Arlene Finnigan. Photos © Oldham Athletic.