Kav's got the gift, gonna stick it in the goal, it's time to move your body

I’ve seen enough. We’re gonna win the league.

If you made it to the pub last Saturday morning for pre-match pints, I salute your courage, your strength, your indefatigability. I did no such thing. We were meeting our mates for tea that evening and there was no way I was going to be awake for wine and tapas at 6pm if I started drinking at 11am. I’m too old now and too much of a lightweight, and I am OK with that.

It’s just as well I didn’t fancy a drink in the ground, as queueing for a drink would have meant missing a lot of the match. The attendance at our first home League fixture of the 2021-22 season (v Newport County) was 4094. The attendance last Saturday was 9449. The club is clearly struggling a bit to meet the demand on matchday facilities which has more than doubled in 5 years, and that’s a nicer problem to have than an empty ground with the kiosks all closed. I’m sure they know it needs urgent improvement, not least to maximise the club’s income. The queues for the bar certainly didn’t dampen the atmosphere.

📸 Oldham Athletic. I've always wondered what Micky Mellon might look like on ecstasy.

I wasn’t aware that Robbie Williams was now Port Vale’s shirt sponsor. Vale tweeted a hilariously ill-advised video of him and a ‘choir’ singing “come on Vale, these are shit”. To be fair, they had the good humour and grace to allude to the possibility of it coming back to bite them on the arse.

We’re quick enough to criticise referees, so credit it where it’s due, the ref last Saturday was impressive in his ability to recognise fouls on Fondop. He gave a free kick just two minutes in after Gordon went right through the back of Mikey as he chased down Hudson’s long ball forward. Alas, when the keeper’s save from the initial shot fell to God’s number 9, he headed well over. The referee went on to award 5 fouls in total against Fondop, which must be some kind of record. Let’s hope it sets the tone for the rest of the season.

Fawunmi had another impressive game and had a great shot from the edge of the area that went just wide. He later claimed to have been fouled by Gordon in the box, but the referee ruled that it was shoulder to shoulder, and was probably right.

Norburn picked up the first of what I suspect will be many yellow cards 13 minutes in for a foul on Dempsey. I worried that he might be a walking red card for the rest of the game, but he put in a great captain’s performance, getting stuck into tackles without going over the top.

It looked like Fondop had given us the lead half an hour in with a lovely looping header from a great cross from Fawunmi, but it was ruled out for offside. At the time I didn’t think it was, but that’s probably because I was in the Rocky where it was pretty impossible to judge.

It was a good physical battle, and we got a yellow card each late on in the first half. Despite my concerns about Norburn, Port Vale looked the more likely to have a man sent off in the second half. Byers was booked for wiping out Drummond with a completely unnecessary foul on the touchline well into our half. Shortly after, Gabriel brought Appiah-Forson down as he sprinted through on goal on the break from a Vale corner, and was very lucky that there was a covering defender and he only got a yellow card.

The resulting free kick was a beautiful move straight off the training ground. Do you reckon that they practiced Kavanagh falling over to distract the defender as Norburn played the ball to him in training? I hope so. It worked, with Kavanagh putting Norburn’s low ball past the keeper with a very nice finish to give us the lead.

📸 Phill Smith

We nearly got a second from another free kick which Norburn took quickly having won the foul (it turns out he’s quite good at drawing fouls as well as committing them), but Kavanagh hit it straight at the keeper. He didn’t have to wait long, though. 75 minutes in, Appiah-Forson nicked the ball in the middle of the pitch, played a 1-2 with Fondop, made a great run and crossed it into the box, and Mikey played a spectacular overhead kick assist to put it on a plate for Kavanagh to put it through the keeper’s legs. A bicycle kick AND a nutmeg? In the same move? Boys, you spoil us.

📸 Phill Smith

It was dead tight to bring Kavanagh off for Woods with ten minutes to go when he was on a hat-trick, but I suppose looking to close out the game at 2-0 wasn’t the worst idea. We still looked the more likely team to score. Nevitt (on for Fondop) made a good run into the box and played it back to Drummond when he could have had a shot himself; Drummond, bless ‘im, fell over. (There was quite a bit of that, maybe the pitch had been overwatered.)

A cracking battle, a convincing performance against one of the favourites for promotion, and our first opening day win in the Football League since 2013. The best possible response to ‘come on Vale, these are shit’. Well, apart from this. Mark Owen was always the best one in Take That anyway.

Micky Mellon was rightly pleased with the performance, the clean sheet and the win, in a tough game between “two sets of physical boys”. He gave an interesting insight into his man-management, describing how he told Kavanagh last season that “he was better than that”, and Kavanagh, in fairness, “took it on the chin” and came back flying in pre-season. Kavanagh himself referred to having taken stock somewhat over the summer: “I sort of looked at meself a lot last year.” Monthé, by contrast, didn’t start “because he’s had a poor pre-season” and Delaney’s been very good in training, but Mellon assured us that “I will get the best version of Manny back again”. I’m sure he will, and we appreciate the honesty.

Scott-Morriss was understandably delighted to get a win on his Football League debut, and laughed about the chance that he missed: “It came to me, and I thought, name in the papers, that!”. He seems to be loving life here, saying “it’s a great place to now call home”. Long may it continue.

I know it’s only one game, and we probably shouldn’t get carried away, but if you’re looking for rational, level-headed analysis, you’re not going to find it here. HMS Piss the League has begun her voyage, and it’s a privilege to be on board.

Safe journey if you’re making the long journey to Colchester today. A first outing for the tangerine third kit, which is, unsurprisingly, proving to be very popular. Imagine how good it’s going to look at the promotion party. Have a great day. KTMFF.

📸 Thomas Lee Stacey

Written by Arlene Finnigan